the laws of physics have to get all ‘heat capacity’ and ‘surface area to volume ratio’ about it

This one ought to be fixable with a suitably shaped coffee mug, then...

Possibly, although I suspect at that point the realities of office life would get all "what do you mean it's your personal mug, we thought it was communal" about it. Perhaps if I could seed the office with about five hundred of the things...

You need a DRM system: Digitally Restricted Mug, to prevent unauthorized sharing of your crockery.

... specifically, to protect it from thieving fingers? :-)

You could put something obnoxious smelling in the cup ;)

How about a conical cup insert made of polystyrene?

But if it's a silly shape (eg. a horn?) people wouldn't want it. Two problems, one solution.