A few months after I started working for ARM, I missed my first day of work due to illness. I was living at the Gallery at the time, and I clearly remember telling Gareth I'd called in sick. ‘Ooh,’ he said, ‘I wonder if I can phone Marcus and call in stupid.’

Some days I think one should indeed be able to call in stupid. Some days I'm so completely incompetent that I have a hard time believing I'm capable of having a beneficial or even a neutral effect on the affairs of my company; on those days I think they ought to allow me to stay at home and not get out of bed – and this ought to be justifiable to them on grounds of purest corporate self-interest, with no need to bring socialist ideas like employee welfare into it.

I have an hour and a half of today left in which to try really hard not to break anything. Wish me luck.